For the Sake of Film, Let’s Forget About ‘Avatar’

It’s been over a month since James Cameron’s “Avatar” opened in movie theaters across the globe earning more than a billion dollars at the box office and bringing the 300-500 million dollar gambit to a successful close.

Now it’s time to forget that it ever happened.

The reaction to “Avatar” has been unanimous: This movie is awful, but boy, are the special effects great. And, to the filmmakers’ credit, the special effects are being heralded as the next step forward in the movie going experience – the strides forward in immersive 3-D is sure to be the go-to effect for any future, self-respecting blockbuster.

But the first part, the “this movie is awful” part, still remains.

Indeed, except for the 3-D, everything in this movie has been seen before and thus there is no reason that any more time or money should be wasted on viewing it. “Avatar” is what would happen if you took “Dances with Wolves,” “Ferngully,” “The Last of the Mohicans” and “Pocohontas” and threw them in a blender with some blue Kool-Aid and a dash of exotic fetishism for good measure. There is nothing even remotely nuanced about this world, no matter how loud and how petulantly Cameron might boast about how he created a completely realized planet/language/subway system (something that any joker who’s attempted to knock off “Star Wars” or” Lord of the Rings” has done).

It’s time to leave “Avatar” to the realm to which it most rightfully belongs: film classes. Reason being, there is no good reason for anyone to watch “Avatar” other than those making a study of the medium. Much like films such as “The Jazz Singer” and “Birth of a Nation,” “Avatar” will be remembered only on the merits of its technical strides forward, observed only by those chronicling film’s history. “Avatar” is as objectively bad as the two aforementioned films are objectively racist.

There is one thing (and one thing only) that Cameron is good at and that is spectacle. That’s the only reason people have seen his last two movies. Things like story, characters, and dialogue have always evaded him. Indeed, the actual narratives in

“Titanic” and “Avatar” are so dull, derivitive and offensively unimaginative that it is actually painful to think that Cameron gets paid to inflict these on the general public. When it comes to storytelling, he’s more ham-fisted and lackadaisical than a high school student putting together his first YouTube video.

It is important to forget “Avatar” before it garners any more undeserved praise, perpetuating an industry that is, more and more, rewarding schlock and mediocrity over deft and compelling filmmaking. To be frank, the bar has been set devastatingly low for movies in terms of quality this past year. There’s no better measure of this than the fact that the Academy Awards has doubled the nominees for Best Picture when they couldn’t manage to find five films in previous years that measured up to the title.

It’s a sad state of affairs for science fiction when, over the course of a year that brought us thought-provoking and brilliantly crafted films like “District 9” and the criminally underrated “Moon,” “The Noble Savages Stereotype: The Movie: In 3-D” is the one getting a Best Picture win from the Golden Globes.

Thanks for the new technology, Mr. Cameron. Now please retire before you insist on burdening the public with anymore of your “movies.”

(Originally written for the February 5, 2010 issue of The Elm.)

Bioshock (Wet) Dream Casting

Geddit? Because Bioshock takes place underwater and a wet dream is a type of dream you can have that’s erotic in nature?

All bad punnery aside the matter at hand could not be one of more gravity. They’re making Bioshock into a movie. Or at least they’re trying to. It seems like the movie is stuck in a permanent phase of pre-production. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Video games are notorious for not translating well onto film and a little extra time for mulling things over will probably serve it well. And, unlike games like Super Mario Bros. and Tekken, the original Bioshock has a concept and a story line so thrilling it’s almost hard to see how it wouldn’t work as an epic movie.

The only problem is that although it is known that a Bioshock movie is definitely happening any reliable information stops right there. Although names like Gore Verbinski and Wentworth Miller have been floating around for some time nothing has been officially confirmed. But when it comes to casting a film like Bioshock why should it be left up to the big time producers and directors?

Is a fan not entitled to the film of their choosing? No, says the man in Suburbia. It belongs to the mainstream. No, says the man in Hollywood. It belongs to Viacom. No, says the man on the Internet. It belongs to everyone. I rejected those answers. Instead I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose a Dream Cast. An actor that would not fear carrying an entire movie on their own, method actors who would not be bound by petty scripts, A-List Academy Award winners who would not feel constrained by their small roles and relatively little screen time.

(Note. The credit for this idea is in part due to ToplessRobot.com. This is something I wouldn’t have been prompted to think about if not for the Dream Casting Contest. Thanks for the Honorable Mention!)

Sam Rockwell as Jack Ryan

The first (and possibly most important) thing any actor that ultimately plays Jack Ryan is going to need is the ability to carry an entire film. Even after some inevitable tweaking that will be needed to make Jack’s time in Rapture a less solitary affair the main character will probably still be spending a lot of time in relative isolation. And, as anyone who’s seen Moon can confirm, Rockwell is very adept at carrying a movie that was just him and a disembodied voice. Surely conversing with the disembodied Atlas wouldn’t be much different.

In general Rockwell is a very underrated actor. For one thing he’s more than capable at playing a great range of characters and always displays a very wry (often dark) sense of humor that would be well-suited to Bioshock’s tone. Physically he makes for a good Jack. He has a very period, slightly rough look about him without sacrificing the audience’s sympathy.

Throw in a wool sweater and an all-purpose wrench and you’ve got the perfect Jack Ryan.

Liam Neeson as Atlas

Atlas is never seen but his role is immensely important when it comes to that fateful twist. Atlas should have the quality of a great mentor with more than a little righteous indignation when it comes Andrew Ryan. But the utmost important thing is that it should be the voice of someone that Jack and the audience will trust implicitly and unquestioningly. In which case, there is only one reasonable answer:

Aslan.

Neeson has even played a trusted mentor figure who ends up not only being an agent of deception but also the ultimate villain. If he could do it as R’as Al Ghul he could do it as Atlas. But in order to make the reveal all the more shocking he can’t just feel like a talking head. All those stories about his wife and family – the audience has to fall for it hook line and sinker. And humanity is something that will be easily accepted from a voice like Neeson’s.

Anjelica Huston as Bridgette Tenenbaum

Huston has some previous experience that by no means made her break her inclusion in this Dream Cast, though they do make for some interesting correlations. She’s already played Sam Rockwell’s mother in a movie and she has some experience being a Tenenbaum (though the, admittedly, the spelling is different).

But the bottom line is that Huston is fierce. Both in the Webster’s Dictionary as well as the Tyra Banks sense of the word. We’ve seen her as Morticia Addams and as the mother in The Darjeeling Limited so we know she can play a maternal figure with a bite to her.

Jeff Bridges as Andrew Ryan

My runner up for Andrew Ryan was Stephen Colbert. Rapture seems like exactly the kind of thing he would love. Colbert as the proverbial king of Capitalism was a perfect fit.

While the Dude himself may seem like the ideological opposite of Ryan there’s no denying that Bridges has the acting chops to pull of anything. Ryan should have sure of himself swagger which, if Iron Man is any indication, he he can do.

Not to mention he’s got a great, distinctive voice. Perfect for delivering that legendary opening monologue that the filmmakers would simply have to be nuts to cut.

Daniel Day-Lewis as Frank Fontaine

Now, Mr. Day-Lewis may have turned down Lord of the Rings, deeming the project beneath him, so he may not feel too inclined to take on a video game movie. (After all, he’s got a busy schedule cobbling shoes in the obscure foothills of Ireland.) But the man appeared Nine so I think it’s safe to say that all bets are off when it comes to everybody’s favorite, extremist method actor.

But what would make Day-Lewis such a great Fontaine is that he plays such an amazing villain/mad man. And, since by the time Fontaine is revealed, he’s been built up so much – and Jack’s motivation in the third act of the story needs to be really convincing – that the portrayal has to be a real kicker.

No one chews scenery so exquisitely or so deftly as Day-Lewis. And he has two Oscars to prove it.

Michael Emerson as Sander Cohen

Emerson has made his name playing the manipulative and the utterly creepy Benjamin Linus on Lost. Watching him destroy the lives of everyone around him with that soft-spoken voice and precise delivery is like visual poetry. Indeed, it is clear that he relishes every cadence that goes into weaving a diabolical character.

So it would be interesting to see what he would do with the more verbose, flamboyant and (arguably) more unhinged.

After considering this it’s not too difficult to imagine Emerson ruling over Fort Frolic much in the same way he did with the island.

And the various Splicer cameos

Tilda Swinton

Swinton is an eerie, beautiful, and androgynous creature. One that I wouldn’t want to mess with if I saw coming at me down a darkened Rapture hallway swinging a scythe around.

The other thing about Swinton is that she has an undeniably regal bearing. One that anyone portraying some sort of former socialite turned Splicer would definitely need.

Cillian Murphy

Much like Swinton, Murphy has that eerie-but-pretty-androgynous thing going on. He’s a solid actor who can play a creepy mad man with disturbing ease.

What’s important, though, is not only can he play unnerving he can also play lethal. Don’t let that willowy frame fool you, as he’s played deadly characters very well. He might make his bread and butter playing emotionally complicated, understated character but watch that last third or so of 28 Days Later and then tell me you wouldn’t fear getting on his bad side.

Will Arnett

I know what you may be thinking. Her? Him? GOB the goofy magician from Arrested Development?

Yes.

When you’re playing a Splicer there’s a good chance you’ll spend a lot of your time acting from behind a mask. So you’ve got to have a great voice to back you up, which Will Arnett does. You don’t even have to watch the video, just listen to the audio as he reads a friggin menu.

Mark Hamill

As long as we’re on the subject of great voice acting it couldn’t hurt to have Luke Skywalker himself on hand.

The guy was the voice of the Joker in Batman: The Animated Series.

Need I say more?

No, I need not.

Meryl “Always-the-Right-Choice” Streep

Look, as long as I’m casting an imaginary movie filled with actors I love and/or admire I might as well throw Streep in there for good measure.Plus, how cool would it be to see her as a Splicer, being creepy and possibly messing with people’s shit? That’s right. Unfathomably cool. You’d never watch Mamma Mia! the same way again.

That is, assuming that if you’re the kind of person reading a blog about a horror video game turned movie, there’s a good likelihood you’re also not the kind of person who saw Mamma Mia!

Four Reasons the Oscars Need to Seriously Re-Evaluate Its Re-Evaluation

Every year the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences puts on a little awards show called the Oscars. Every year artists, studios, investors, etc. dump millions of dollars into campaigning for a nomination alone. Being presented with even a shadow of a hope that one might tearfully clamor their way onto the stage in the Kodak theater to accept one of those little gold men is the greatest honor someone in the film industry can ever dream of achieving.

So it’s a shame that this beacon of respectability has thrown every shred of its credibility to the wind.

The Academy took a gamble to generate more interest in the ceremony by upping the number of possible Best Picture contenders from five to ten. And, just as everyone expected, this didn’t allow for more overlooked or underrated films to eek their way in. Instead, it has allowed for the lowest common denominators of film to slither their way into the single most revered ceremony of the year.

4. This is How You Acknowledge Sci-Fi and Animation?

The Academy has never been shy about marginalizing films that hail from the realms of Sci-Fi or animation. Until this year Beauty and the Beast was the only animated film to even break into the category for a nomination. This year the Academy has chosen to acknowledge two Sci-Fi films as well as an animated one. But they picked the wrong ones.

There were two Sci-Fi movies, on small and large scales, that are more deserving than the ones currently on the list. First off, the best big budget Sci-Fi movie to come out last year was not Avatar but the Star Trek reboot. Star Trek was an immensely entertaining and meticulously crafted work of Science Fiction that at once nodded to its established fanbase without being off-putting to non-Trekkies. Any other year Star Trek wouldn’t be considered to be the stuff of Best Picture nominations, but if we’re gonna go down this road it should J.J. Abrams and company receiving Avatar’s recognition.

The second is the small budget Sci-Fi film. District 9 was very good but, quite frankly, it was no Moon. Moon’s story was innovative and thrilling. A film that is a true credit to the genre without getting bogged down in said genre. (On a side note to Jason Reitman: This is how you strike out from your father’s shadow. Don’t give people a reason to cry, “NEPOTISM.”)

And even though I love Pixar just as much as any other red-blooded American Up deserves a Best Picture nod the least. Let’s stop pretending that the saccharine heart-string pulling was anything more than cheap and manipulative emotional trickery. Sorry, but if any recent animated movie deserved a chance at the Best Picture award it is without a doubt last year’s Wall-E. There’s always something to be said for a film (and a children’s film at that) that has no dialogue for its first half but never misses an emotional or narrative beat. In fact, they have a word for that. Mastery.

But, as for this year, one needn’t look any further than the other films in the Best Animated Feature category to find more deserving films. The Fantastic Mr. Fox and Coraline were much better examples of innovative filmmaking as well as good storytelling.

3. THE FUCKING BLIND SIDE?

The Blind Side? Really, Academy Awards? Really?

Okay, I know that Sandra Bullock did a good job in it and that she’s been hamming it up from here till next Tuesday to bring attention to the film. Doing everything short of making out with Meryl Streep in a public setting. But the White Savior cliche is so played out and so insulting that it’s really a shock that it hasn’t been put to rest already.

But if that’s really all I need to get an Oscar nod I have a film I’d like to pitch to any major studios out there:

I see Michelle Pfeiffer or Hilary Swank as the Nice White Lady.

2. The Oscars Have Been Going Downhill for Years

Dear Academy,

Remember that one year Beyonce sang, like, every song that was nominated for Best Song? Remember how that got really grating really fast, even if you like Queen B? Remember how Slumdog Millionaire won over Milk, Frost/Nixon, and Doubt? Remember how Crash won over anything else that was nominated that year? Remember how awkward it was to watch previous winners in acting categories stroke the egos of that night’s nominees?

We remember, Academy. We remember. And we also remember a time when the awards and their ceremony meant something. Pandering to the mainstream masses isn’t going to make them watch this year. What said pandering will succeed in is alienating the viewers and film buffs who have dutifully watched every year. If it’s our intelligence and good sensibilities you have sought to offend you have succeeded. Congratulations?

Signed,

The Viewers

1. Avatar

Avatar represents everything that is wrong with the film industry. It’s uninspired, overblown, overproduced, and for some reason its marketers insist on using that awful Papyrus font. (Are we eighth graders doing power points on the Nile river? No? Then hire a professional ad agency because your nephew’s MS Paint skills aren’t cutting it.)

I miss the simpler times, three months ago, when everyone was in agreement that Avatar looked like a surefire bomb that would only ever be embraced by the furry community. Now it’s like living in a world that’s turned completely upside down. I keep waiting for Bizarro-Superman to show up so that I can at least say, “Ah, we’re living in Bizarro World. So that’s why people think Avatar is a good movie.” That way I would have some bearings, which is more than I can say for the here and now.

Avatar’s elevation is depressing to anyone who considers themselves a movie buff. Some really great films have come out this year. Usually these are small films that are able to use the Oscars as their launching pad into wider recognition. (This is not always the case, however. The Dark Knight was one of the best films of 2008 and also the highest grossing. So, it’s not just small indie studios making the winners.)  But to watch a clunky, monster like Avatar become a frontrunner is truly disheartening. How is it possible that disaster of a film can become the highest grossing of all time and then steal critical attention away from something like The Hurt Locker? A film that might not even break even but is considered, by anyone with a strip of sanity left, to be one of the best movies of the year.

The decision to allow for ten films to be nominated has failed in lending recognition to the year’s best. Indeed, by giving James Cameron one more platform to spout his inane, made-up alien language the Academy is effectively doing great harm to the reputations and careers of talented filmmakers everywhere.

And This Host You Cannot Change

Last Friday, Conan O’Brien wrapped up his final show as the host of the “Tonight Show,” putting an end (for now) to the “Late Night Wars” that have dominated entertainment news sources for the better part of a month. The wake of O’Brien’s decision to turn down NBC’s offer to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 in order to accommodate a Jay Leno show at 11:30 has been unexpected. Places like Facebook and Twitter have been streams of “SAVE CONAN” and even a rally outside his studio on the Universal lot on Jan. 18.

Such a huge reaction feels as baffling as it is probably misplaced. This shake up will affect nothing more than TV viewing schedules with regard to a show that many of the people now outraged scarcely (if ever) watched to begin with. And besides that, O’Brien is not without his options. In fact, if the executives of another network are smart and see his built-in fanbase, he will most likely be returning to TV in September, as soon as his contract allows.

But perhaps the reason that people have so fervently taken to this “cause” is that while O’Brien is the underdog he will, more than likely, come out victorious. It’s easy to personally identify with someone getting a raw deal from “The Man.” If people are identifying with O’Brien as the Everyman, then they are casting NBC in the role of the Every-Employer. But unlike just any Everyman, O’Brien has the potential to be the Everyman with an all but guaranteed happy ending.

Here’s O’Brien, a genuinely nice, talented guy who ultimately got swindled out of a job he cared deeply about. He and his crew are the victims of corporate meddling and a less qualified (but a more savvy, more cutthroat) colleague. The vast majority of working Americans have probably felt that they were, at one time or another, forced into unfairly based compromises that were directly contrary to their principles. But few of them – especially nowadays – have the option to stand up for said principles and walk away unscathed and with further career options.

Indeed, he was right to think that by moving the “Tonight Show” to 12:05 in order to accommodate Jay Leno, it would cease to be the “Tonight Show.” He walks away from NBC, not cowed into submission, but with his head held high and his dignity intact.

But that doesn’t mean that O’Brien and his crew went out like lambs, either.

The final week of the show culminated in a fever pitch reflective of this mania. They began introducing bits that weren’t so much funny as they were “crazy expensive.” (These bits included a rare Bugatti car decorated to look like a mouse with the original recording of the Rolling Stones’ “Satisfaction” as its theme song. Indeed, the bit was pulled from the Internet version of the episode so that the network could avoid paying any subsequent royalties.) And, for one brief, shining moment, the week saw the return of the Masturbating Bear, one of the many Late Night staples left behind at the behest of NBC for the sake of the tamer 11:30 crowd.

But for all of the gallows humor that made up the final few shows “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” ended on a positive, even hopeful note.

In a closing speech O’Brien implored his audience, in spite of the jabs had at the expense of NBC, to not become cynical as a result of the situation. “I hate cynicism,” said O’Brien. “For the record, it’s my least favorite quality. It leads to absolutely nothing.” The speech was followed by an appropriate rendition of “Free Bird” lead by none other than Will Ferrell, featuring Max Weinberg and the Tonight Show Band, Beck, and the host himself.

And, with a defiant cry of, “Cause I’m as free as a bird, now. And this bird you cannot chaaa-aaaange,” Conan O’Brien’s seventh month stint and the pandemonium surrounding the sudden controversy drew to a close. No one knows where O’Brien will fly next, but fly he most certainly will. And that’s a comforting thought.

Besides, worse things have happened to people screwed over by Jay Leno. Just look at David Letterman.

(Originally written for the January 29 issue of The Elm.)

In the Year 2010

(Note: Even though we’re already 29 days into the New Year I thought I’d post this anyway. The only thing mentioned that has already occurred is Avatar.)

With the one-two punch of finals and the holiday season still to come it’s hard to believe that 2009 is already coming to an end. It’s been a busy year in geek, chock full of bad comic book movies (“Watchmen,” “Surrogate,” “X-Men Origins:Wolverine”), the beginning of one great franchise reboot (“Star Trek”), the end of one great reboot (“Battlestar Galactica”), and the purchasing of one of “the big two” comic book company (Marvel by Disney).

For all its ups and downs, 2009 is more or less behind us. (It remains to be seen how James Cameron’s “Avatar” will be received, but it’s pretty difficult to take any film made up of glorified Smurfs and that uses Papyrus seriously.) So before the choruses of “Auld Lang Syne” go up to ring in 2010, prepare yourself for what is bound to be the talk of the town in the New Year.

Feb. 10 will see the release of the fervently awaited “Bioshock 2.” The original was groundbreaking in its concept, gameplay, and story and its sequel appears to be building off of this instead of merely rushing an uninspired second part. In “Bioshock 2,” players will go through campaign mode playing as the prototype for all of the Big Daddies.

The game also introduces a new, more powerful baddy in the Big Sister – the details of whom the game’s developers have effectively kept shrouded in mystery. With its smart integration of new elements (which include five multiplayer modes not included in the original) into the unique, underwater world of Rapture “Bioshock 2” is going to be something to look for.

When “Iron Man” came out in 2008, it had very little hype behind it. Indeed, the film had a second tier hero and a star who was still fighting the stigma of his substance abuse with nothing really going for it other than a few enticing trailers. “Iron Man,” of course, turned out to be a wildly popular and enjoyable film. Naturally, no time was wasted in getting a sequel made. And come May 10 “Iron Man 2” will hit theaters with a great deal riding on its arc reactor generated shoulders.

The road to making this film was not necessarily an easy one. Terence Howard (who played Rhodey) was replaced for his reportedly prima donna tendencies for Don Cheadle and had to downgrade the actress playing Black Widow from Emily Blunt to Scarlet Johansson. Not much can be drawn from what little has been released about the film thus far, but if it can capture even half of the fun and energy of the first, “Iron Man 2” will prove to be a more than worthwhile endeavor.

It was recently announced that DC Comics will be releasing two graphic novels which will offer a new spin on the origins of Batman and Superman in the Earth One Universe. Much like Marvel’s Ultimate Universe, these new stand-alones will offer retellings that are meant to more or less follow the general outline of the more well-established origin stories but are also given room for some creative interpretation. These new stories will have to strike that delicate balance between not straying too far from the accepted canon while simultaneously creating something new. Either way, DC’s new look into the beginnings of two of its most iconic characters is something to look forward to.

For five seasons, fans of ABC’s “Lost” have spent their time tearing their hair out, trying to make their way through an impenetrable sea of red herrings, obscure allusions, and philosophical quandaries in order to answer one question: What is the secret of the island? They may very well have their answer when the befuddling sci-fi series enters its sixth and final season.

The makers of “Lost” have promised that the end of the series will come full circle, but there are plenty of reasons to be doubtful. The complex scope alone is going to be quite the task to wrap up and the creators have plainly stated that some of show’s mysteries will not be resolved.

If “Lost” fails to have a satisfactory ending, the fallout is sure to be ugly, but if it manages to conclude its run with a resolution that creative, solid, and able to justify five seasons of almost no real answers the remaining fanbase will be able to go to bed at night, without uttering the numbers “4 8 15 16 23 42” in their sleep.

(Originally written for the December 11, 2oo9 Edition of the Elm.)

Seven Reasons We’ll Follow Conan Wherever He Goes

Unless you’ve had the good fortune to avoid all entertainment news outlets over the last several weeks you’ve probably heard that Conan O’Brien has been all but forced out of his post as the newest stewart of The Tonight Show. After a mere seventh months helming one of the most beloved institutions of American television we are bidding adieu.

Parting is always such sweet sorrow, but hopefully it won’t be for long. There’s a rumor (however unfounded) that Conan will move to Fox in order to stay in the late night game. This may not have much truth to it but if he does decide to go elsewhere we’ll be right there with him. No matter what obscure cable networks we might have to tread and this is why.

7. Dat hair

Conan has one of the legendary heads of hair since Samson himself. Indeed, much of his apparent strength and presence is really enhanced by his unrivaled, orange bouffant. He’s often proclaimed that there’s nothing that can be done to “fix” it and for that we’re thankful.

6. The Walker Texas Ranger Lever

There are many classic bits to pick from. In the Year 2000, Pierre Bernard’s Recliner of Rage, the Desk Ride. But something about the Walker Texas Ranger Lever truly embodied the effortlessly quirky nature of the show. The legendary bit came about when NBC was bought up by Universal. And Conan, coming to the realization that since he was now part of a company that had the rights to hours and hours of footage of Walker Texas Ranger at their disposal, implemented the ingenious lever that would play a random clip from the show out of context to hilarious results.

Though it only appeared intermittently after its initial popularity it was revealed on one of the last shows of Late Night that the bit was one of the most requested bits by fans. Not entirely surprising, given it gave us such gems as a father beckoning his son to jump down for a ladder promising to catch him and then stepping aside and a young Haley Joel Osment delivering the line, “Walker told me I have AIDS” with a completely straight face. The Lever continued to be funny, even long after Chuck Norris jokes stopped being funny.

5. The Characters

The cast of characters that have appeared on Conan range from the legendary (Triumph the Insult Comic Dog) to the rightfully obscure (FedEx Pope) to the truly bizarre (Preparation H Raymond). Most of them never saw the transition to L.A. Not this is terribly surprising. It’s not very surprising that the more tame and straightforward Tonight Show wasn’t exactly the right venue for Gun-Totin’ NASCAR Driving Jesus.

The most notable dismissal in the transition was to the Masturbating Bear. Inexplicable? Yes. Crude? Absolutely. But it was exactly this brand of absurdist humor that made the show a standout in late night television.

4. He Can Make Boring Interviews Entertaining

When you toil in the 12:35 spot the A List crowd tends to get snatched up pretty quickly. So, when your guest is the second lead in a straight to DVD movie you may not have much to work with. Or, what’s worse, a big name star with no personality (as is often the case). With most shows the inclination would probably be to see what else is on. But even if all the guest has to offer is a stupefyingly boring about their offspring or something Conan always found away to put an interesting and entertaining spin on things. After all, being the host of a talk show means more than just being a good comedian, you have to be a good interviewer which Conan has proven himself to be.

3. Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg Seven

Flat, awkward stare.

Letterman can keep Paul Schaffer, Leno can keep Kevin Eubanks, and Jimmy Fallon can even keep the Roots (though we don’t know how he does in the first place). But when it comes to host-band leader-band relations nothing tops the back and forth (or, sometimes, lack thereof) between Conan and Max Weinberg. And it’s not because the drummer has a knack for comedic timing. Rather, it’s whenever Conan tries to play off Max only to have it fall flat that makes their interplay so entertaining.

No one-liner from Paul Schaffer will ever be half ass funny as one flat, awkward stare from Max Weinberg.

The rest of the band have served comedic purposes in the past. And perhaps none of them have been so heavily featured as perpetual scapegoat La Bamba. There’s never been any discernable method to the La Bamba-lampooning madness but it scarcely matters given all the priceless bits that have come out of it. Hopefully, wherever Conan goes next he’ll still be dumbing it down for La Bamba.

2. The Writer’s Strike Shenanigans

Like all the other talk show hosts Conan, though a member of the WGA, was still contractually obligated to show up and do a show five days a week. But with no written material to work with everyone was anticipating these shows to go downhill and fast. But Conan managed to defy expectations with his show, quite possibly, getting even funnier. Whether it was doing nothing but spin his wedding ring on top of the desk or playing over his staff’s Rock Band playing sessions on an actual guitar the show managed to stay on top of its game.

The pinnacle of the Writer’s Strike shenanigans came about as a part of a three-way feud between Conan, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert over who was it that ultimately “made” then presidential candidate Mike Huckabee with each host lambasting the other, each one claiming that they “made” the other, by the transitive property “making” Mike Huckabee. The war culminated in an epic throw down on Late Night which ended with three hosts coming to a standstill.

There may be some controversy over whether what the WGA eventually ended up winning was worth it, but in the end the victors were the viewers.

1. He’s Actually Funny

This one pretty much needs no explanation. For years Conan’s show has been the go to stop for sharp, good, idiosyncratic comedy. Even on an off night Late Night and the Tonight Show were always funny. Though, it could be said, that he had a leg up on the game. A Harvard graduate and a former Simpsons writer (before its decline) it’s no surprise he’s been the success he is on the late night landscape. Conan has never been a standup by trade but he has impeccable comedic timing when it comes to a monologue and and can always recover when a joke falls flat. Sometimes he even manages to make the fallout funnier than the actual punch line.

With Conan’s departure NBC will have absolutely nothing going for it in terms of its late night shows. Sure, we’ll be able to tune in to Craig Ferguson but we’ll never forget the good times and hopefully, after a new home for Conan and company is found, there will be more to come.

The Washington Walkens

There’s been some debate in the past as to how the Washington College mascot, the “Sho’man,” should be represented. There’s the vague silhouette of a man presumably standing on a shore. Then there’s the outline of a goose. These are fine, but they lack any bite, any panache. And, besides that, no one seems to know what exactly a “sho’man”, or more specifically, a “shoreman” is. (A guy who does stuff … on the shore?) So, I propose that it’s about time Washington found itself a new mascot altogether.

The Washington Walkens. As in, the one and only, Christopher Walken.

Yes, on the surface, this seems like a completely nonsensical choice. Why Christopher Walken? A random actor who doesn’t have even a remote association with the school? There must be at least a hundred other potential mascot choices that would make more sense than this—for instance, The Fightin’ Riverbeds or the WC Wooden Teeth. But the fact of the matter is that there is nothing or no one who could better represent us than Christopher Walken.

I humbly submit a list of reasons why Christopher Walken would make a prime
candidate for Washington College’s new mascot:

1. Prestige. Mascots should have an air of regality to them and that is something Walken brings to the table. In 1978, for example, he won an Oscar for his role in The Deer Hunter. Nothing says renown like an Academy Award. Except maybe a Nobel Peace Prize. (If the committee doesn’t have a category for Unsettling Gazes it’s time to hop to it, Norway.)

2. Accessibility. Now this one is tricky. If something is prestigious it’s usually thought of as lofty, making it difficult to relate to on a basic level. But that’s the thing about Christopher Walken. He’s no stranger to the mainstream and the lowbrow. He’ll show up in any old screwball comedy wearing a funny hat. And who doesn’t remember him dancing his way through Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice” music video? What could be more charming? It may not be physically possible to sashay down an escalator or fly from one side of a shopping mall to another during every halftime, but sometimes you’ve got to dream big.

3. Marketing. “Washington Walkens.” That has a ring to it that’s difficult to match. Just ask anyone: there’s nothing that adds more zing and zest to a mascot than alliteration. The t-shirts alone would be immensely popular, especially among the ironic hipster set.

4. Distinctive battle cry. It’s no secret that Christopher Walken has a unique speech pattern. It’s a scientific fact that 4 out of 5 people will break out their “Walken” at cocktail parties and small gatherings, if given the right number of dirty martinis. Sidenote: If you’re Kevin Pollack, 5 out of 5 people will ask you to break out your Walken, regardless of situation. There’s a stilted lilt to it that people can’t help but recognize and derive endless joy from. Imagine a stadium or a gym full of people chanting, “Go … Washington Walkens! Go … forthevictory!” It’ll be completely original and double as a surefire source for disorienting the other team. And, lest we forget, Walken was the original deliverer of the line, “I’ve got a fever … And the only prescription is more cowbell!” in the now infamous Saturday Night Live sketch. If Christopher Walken were indeed our mascot, this would give some legitimate claim to whipping out a cowbell and wailing on it while “Don’t Fear the Reaper” plays over the stadium loudspeaker.

6. Fear. Typical mascots are Tigers or Vikings. Vicious things that are known for their killing abilities or knack for pillaging and burning villages. (Little known fact: tigers can get pretty crafty given the chance.) The very mention of our mascot should send shivers down our opponents’ spines. Walken is in the unique position of bringing prestige, relatability, and fear into the equation. Lest we forget in an age of roles that include acting as John Travolta’s husband or Leonardo DiCaprio’s doting father, Walken also plays killer bad guys. Whether or not it just comes naturally can’t be verified, but I wouldn’t want to be the one to find out.

7. Trendsetting. By instating Walken as our mascot, we wouldn’t just be ahead of the curve, we’d be establishing it. Just think of it. Within a year every school will want to have a borderline creepy character actor as their mascot. Keep an eye out for the Salisbury Steve Buscemis.

(Originally written for the October 30, 2009 edition of The Collegian.)

Thanksgiving Dinner

It’s that time of year again. Families gather, the smell of turkey wafts through the air, the Macy’s Day parade and football games hum from the TV, and Mom’s onto her sixth glass of cooking sherry. It can mean only one thing: Thanksgiving.

And one thing that always comes along with Thanksgiving (other than the awkward tackling that occurs when you play what is supposed to be a flag football game with your cousins) is tradition. But just like the awkward tackles, tradition can sometimes do with a hiatus. And what better way to shake things up than to spice up the Thanksgiving meal itself? Some of the items necessary for this geek-flared feast may be a difficult to locate, but a little dutiful research can uncover a good tribbles dealer. (Sure, it might seem cruel to eat these cute and fluffy creatures but you simply haven’t lived until you’ve had roasted tribble with a hint of mint jelly.)

The first things that can be replaced are crescent rolls in favor of lembas bread (from “The Lord of the Rings”). We’ve all been there before. The main event is nowhere near being ready to be served. Everything except the crescent rolls and their siren call is nearly impossibly to resist. What usually follows is the majority of the rolls being prematurely consumed and the guilty parties become too full to partake when the rest of the meal is ready. No such problem exists with lembas bread since a single bite is more than satisfactory., unless your guest happens to be a hobbit, in which case a food shortage should already be on the shortlist of potential problems.

As far as sides go, there’s no shortage of possibilities. Something that’s bound to be a favorite is sautéed 1-Up Mushrooms (from Super Mario Bros.). They’re like regular mushrooms, only these give you an extra life. They can be a little on the tricky side to locate since, unlike regular mushrooms, they are found in bricks. And in only certain bricks. And only when you hit them. This can make finding 1-Up mushrooms a painful process, but worth it in the end. These are not to be confused with the size-altering mushrooms from “Alice in Wonderland.”

The main event of most Thanksgiving dinners tends to be a turkey. Now, there’s nothing wrong with poultry per se, but, let’s be honest, turkey’s been done (since the 1600s, to be exact). Instead of the usual, why not opt for the exotic and succulent tastes of chocobo (from “Final Fantasy”)? These big, yellow birds make for the perfect main course. They’re big enough to ride as well as flightless, so they’re easy to catch. Their size also makes it so that you can invite as many second or third cousins twice removed and still have plenty leftover for post-Thanksgiving chocobo sandwiches.

As far as dessert goes, you can forget about pumpkin pie. The ultimate capper for any Thanksgiving dinner is sure to be an Everlasting Gobstopper (from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”). As its name implies, an Everlasting Gobstopper never wears out. It’s a way of providing a dessert that is cost-effective and is guaranteed to keep one’s guests occupied until its time to shuffle everyone back over the hill and through the woods.

And for the more industrious hosts who would like to get a jump-start on next year’s Thanksgiving and find themselves with a few extraneous family members there’s always homemade Soylent Green.

First Contact Stories; A Sign of the Times

When the aliens come they will be kind, omni-lingual, slammin’ hotties. Also, they will come bearing free universal health care. Indeed, the attractive lead alien (also called “visitors” or “Vs”) Anna, on ABC’s remake of the 1980s miniseries “V,” informs the human race that the aliens have come to Earth with no desire beyond offering us universal health care, hope, peace, and the occasional bunny-dispensing rainbow. The Vs present themselves as saviors, which the human race, rife with trouble, is eager to accept. Of course, behind their guise of hope and change, the Vs have a sinister ulterior motive, one that’s been in the works for years.

The parallels that “V” draws to the current Obama administration are impossible to ignore, not only because of the premiere’s juxtaposition with the historic passing of the health care bill, but because the series draws said parallels with all the subtlety of a jackhammer.

But the “V” series isn’t the first story of first contact to use its humankind-meets-extraterrestrials premise to comment on the politics of the day. The trend goes back as far as 1898 with H.G. Wells’ “War of the Worlds.”

Wells’ classic book about invading Martians was very reflective of anxieties (especially English anxieties) of the time. Indeed, “War of the Worlds” was one of many novels of its time that featured an invasion in some form or another. Though Wells’ book wasn’t quite so propagandistic, it did play to similar fears. The book also reflects a widespread, apocalytpic fear that the world would end on Dec. 31, 1899.

1951s “The Day the Earth Stood Still” came out amid an America that was troubled with McCarthyism and the Korean War. The film addresses the new world order of fear-mongering and destruction when Klatu, who via his resurrection and Mr. Carpenter alias is established as a Christ figure, informs the Earth that if the planet expands its violent tendencies to the rest of the cosmos the equivalent of extraterrestrial police will have no choice but to destroy it.

Even if stories about first contact don’t have as strong political slants they still become pretty representative of their eras. The very family friendly E.T. has the unmistakable sheen of the 1980s, the world brand of optimism. And while every era has had its equivalent of mindless entertainment, something about the 1990s felt more inclined toward films that were more overblown fireworks displays than compelling narratives. And what movie to better exemplify this than the special effects heavy and light of logic “Independence Day”? It is indicative of a culture that knows what it wants and what it wants is explosions and Will Smith punching aliens in the head.

This summer saw the release of “District 9,” which shows the aliens touching down in South Africa and then subsequently persecuted and forced to live separately from the rest of society. “District 9” deals with issues of xenophobia and racism, taking inspiration from the apartheid era, a system of racial segregation that officially lasted for nearly half a century.

Entertainment can be and is often used to gauge the climate of the period it comes from. But there’s something about alien invasion and first contact stories that allow for writers and filmmakers to explore the issues of their time behind a veil of extraterrestrials – however thin that veil might be.

(Originally written for the November 13, 2009 issue of The Elm.)

Dinosaurs are Totally Boss

Many creatures come and go on the pop culture spectrum: werewolves, dragons, vampires, Nicholas Cage. Their popularity waxes and wanes by varying degrees, but perhaps one of the most endearing creatures to make their behemoth-sized stamps on the hearts of people everywhere are dinosaurs. They intrigue us because they seem wholly fantastic in spite of their current state of extinction, yet their presence on this planet is completely verified (unlike the aforementioned creatures, whom belong to the realm of myth). There have been many depictions of our pre-historic friends in television and film that range from the cheesy to the absolutely terrifying and just about everything in between. These are the must-sees/reads for anyone who makes a B-line for the Dinosaur exhibit at the Museum of Natural History.

The Land Before Time

Dinosaur movies that cater specifically to kids don’t get much better than Don Bluth’s 1988 film about Littlefoot and his friends’ search for “the Great Valley” (the multitude of sub par sequels not withstanding). What makes “The Land Before Time” so good is that like most quality children’s films it appeals but never panders. The five main characters (all different species) are diverse and likeable but the dangers the protagonists face (from extinction to the omnipresent threat of the “Sharptooth”) are real. More than anything the film captures, with great imagination, how children think of dinosaurs in their heads.

Dinosaur Comics

The aptly titled webcomic “Dinosaur Comics” always features the same six panels of a Tyrannosaurus rex, an Utahraptor, and a Dromiceiomimus, with only its characters’ dialogue ever- changing. While what any of the characters have to say rarely has anything to do with their being dinosaurs rarely factors into the content T-Rex’s frequent declarations of “frig” and “sweet” no less entertaining.

Jurassic Park

It’s cliché, but what list about dinosaurs is ever complete without at least one reference to the dinosaur movie to end all dinosaur movies? “Jurassic Park” is iconic for a multitude of reasons. It’s scary, funny, exciting, and has a tailor-made John Williams soundtrack. It asks what would we do if we had dinosaurs in the modern age and accurately answers that question with: Turn it into a capitalistic endeavor. But the film isn’t without its heart. When Laura Dern and Sam Neil step out of that jeep and see that first herd of brontosauruses, you can feel the awe (and rightfully placed awe at that) dripping off the screen that the audience can’t help but share in.

The “Rite of Spring” sequence from “Fantasia”

The “Rite of Spring” sequence from the original “Fantasia” is, without a doubt, the best depiction of dinosaurs in animation. The loose narrative begins with the creation of life in its earliest forms and ends with the dinosaurs’ eventual extinction. The animation isn’t realistic but it’s not cartoonish, either. It conveys a feeling that is at once majestic without being romantic and terrible without being maudlin. It captures their world succinctly and beautifully.

Gertie the Dinosaur

The 1914 short is the earliest depiction of a dinosaur on film. It might not have too much flash, but there’s something to be said for its pioneering spirit. Also, Gertie dances. There’s always something to be said for a film that prominently showcases a brontosaurus’ ability to boogie.

(Originally written for the November 6, 2009 edition of The Elm.)